bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
