i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
