I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
