I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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