my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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