Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
