Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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