apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
