...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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