now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
