So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
