need another drink. this is the easiest way
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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