hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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