I think I died a long time ago.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
