I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
