Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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