u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
