im six kinds of drunk right now
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize