Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
