Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
