You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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