So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
