I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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