Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
