At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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