We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
