My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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