I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
