The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
