remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
