Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
