Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
