why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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