She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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