I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
