Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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