On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
