Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
