1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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