I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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