Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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