There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Someone came in the potted fern
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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