so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
