So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize