im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
