Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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