Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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