i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
