My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
