And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Randomize
