He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize